Welcome!

Hello, and welcome to my blog Thoughts of Chaos!

Now, I know that by the name of this blog you think it will be full of cheesy and cringy posts about my emotions, life experiences and stuff. But I’ll be completely honest with you: even I have no clue what this blog is about. I created it on a whim because I was about to post something on Facebook, but decided it’d be better to express myself in secret, away from unwanted prying eyes. Therefore, knowing myself, this blog will probably be full of… really, really, REALLY random stuff. Or maybe I’ll be able to give it some structure?

Anyways, welcome to my mind. Not all of it. Just what I manage to get out there. Don’t judge. Instead, you’re welcome to discuss and debate about the content of my posts. I love sharing thoughts and experiences, and if you want a safe place where to share your opinions RESPECTFULLY, you’re welcome to do so here. We’re all blindly navigating through life and I believe that by sharing and connecting, we’re able to grow as individuals.

Oh, and I almost forgot. You can call me Khaoleido. I guess… I created this username on a whim as well. It’s a bad mix between chaos and kaleidoscope. I hope I won’t regret this decision.

See you in my posts!

Khaoleido

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About

I’m a 1994 girl, currently a student and hopefully sooner or later earning a living so I can become fully independent. I’m not going to disclose what I study yet.
This is going to be a long About section. I’m really not good at describing myself. I don’t like to brag but I also don’t want to bring myself down, but I’ll try my best.

So let’s start with the positive stuff.
My friends say I have a welcoming personality and always smile, and what they like about me is “You get what you see”. But again, like everyone else in the world, there are sides of me which aren’t obvious right away. The people whom I’ve known for many years say that I am badass because of my bravery, strength, determination, “rebelry”. I’m able to move on despite all the bad things that happen to me. They feel like I am the only person they can talk to about certain issues because I will not judge, I will listen and try to understand. If we’re talking about an important topic, I’ll put a stop to my stupid childish self and share my “wisdom” by letting my real deep and serious self show.
I am also honest and shameless (again, sharing what others have said about me). I will talk about my past without any problems, because despite what happened I have managed to become who I am today. Yes, I was obese. Yes, I suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Yes, I still suffer from Depression and Anxiety. I have done a lot of stupid stuff. I have hurt people. I am not proud and I am ashamed of many things. But I am also able to recognize my mistakes and to grow from them.
Lastly, I have been called “emotionally independent”. I will listen and accept advices from others, but I will personally evaluate whether they apply to me and my life, and if I should follow them or not. Many times I should have followed instructions, but I decided not to and made mistakes. However I will not regret it as I was the one who made the decision to experience the consequences. It is not important what happened, what’s really important is what we do with what we have.

So, moving on with the bad sides of my personality. I know after all these good traits I might look like I think high of myself, but I really don’t. Actually, I often hate myself and wish I didn’t exist. I’ve been improving on the aspect of self-love, but I still struggle every now and then. As for the “emotionally independent” part, I actually rely a lot of what other people say and think, as you can probably tell by all the “this is what others have said about me/I’ve been called”.
I am highly DISorganized. My life and room are extremely chaotic, as a reflection of my mind. With me it’s always all or nothing, no in between. While I know I’ve had this problem for a while, I still haven’t been able to improve this aspect of myself. Even back in school teachers used to tell my mother I wasn’t constant. My marks were always either 2-4/10 or 8-9/10. Sometimes even 10/10, but that was only when I managed to lead a carefree balanced life for a little more than a week. I am also either really empathetic and caring or really detached and inconsiderate of other people’s emotions. I’ll either let my “friends” walk all over me or be overly aggressive with my words. I’ll either not leave my bed all day or go to the gym two hours a day. Sometimes I’ll let my family’s opinions influence me and start thinking that all my friends are stupid.
I’m also very ignorant when it comes to economics, politics, history, law. Sometimes mathematics, but I have my own way of understanding it. However I love physics, biology, chemistry, art history, music and enjoy learning new languages.
Sometimes I spend entire days lying in bed scrolling on Facebook. I’m one of those people who has to deactivate it in order to work better. Not properly, better.
I often leave things to the last minute.
I push people away so I can avoid getting too close to them.
I sometimes lie on impulse, without thinking, even when there’s not need to. This often leads to situations where I have to add on more lies to make it look more realistic. I’ve only been discovered once.

Damn, that’s a lot. I think that’s it.

I hope you enjoy reading my blog! Please leave a comment or send a message if you have anything to say.

Khaoleido

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Contact

Send me a message if there’s anything you’d like to tell me! I’ll reply as soon as possible.