Clearing my mind – 01

Hey dear reader!

It’s been a while since I created this blog. I only posted once, but ever since I did I’ve been thinking that I’d like to write another post. There are many reasons why I haven’t until now. I’ve been working from 8am to 8pm and when I’m home, I fall asleep right away. If I’m not sleeping, I’m trying to be sociable and eat something that’s not a sandwich from the University’s 24/7 shop. And last but not least, I didn’t want to get overwhelmed. Every day I wanted to write about what happened, what I was feeling, but I know from experience if I did that I’d end up feeling worse, more frustrated, because my thoughts would be running faster than my typing and my emotions would end up crushing me. I wanted to let some time pass before I wrote anything again.
Not that I have a clearer mind right now, but I felt like I needed this blog. I’ve been thinking about some things lately, so maybe if I put them down in a list that would help me organize my mind.

  • My studying friend, I’m going to call her Clarice (by the way, just so you know, I will come up with the most random names to talk about people I know in real life), told me about the safe place she goes to in her mind when she’s feeling too anxious or unsafe (it’s a cozy cottage on the edge of cliff during a stormy night, with the warm fire burning in the chimney while she’s reading or being creative). When we were going back to our lab, she said how sometimes that place is filled with people that represent different positive qualities: her mother is nurturing, her father protective, a friend is kindness… and apparently I am perseverance. She had been thinking about it since the previous day, when she was “dumping all ‘her’ problems on God” and thought I didn’t have anyone like that. I didn’t have a God or a family member or a friend that is to me like God is to her. But I still keep trying no matter what.
    I was happy when she told me, but that happiness didn’t last too long. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful for what she said and how she sees me. I miss the times when I was able to move on and get strength from this kind of compliments. It was so easy. Now I just don’t feel anything. It reminds me of when I went back home for holidays. My father now sleeps in my bed and I sleep with my mother, and during one sleepless night I realised how long it had been since I last fell asleep while hugging my mother. So I did, I got into my fetal position and hugged her, expecting to suddenly miraculously feel calm and safe and warm, like everything was alright and I was strong enough to do anything I wanted in the world.
    I didn’t. And immediately I started thinking of all the reasons why I wasn’t feeling anything. Was it because I hadn’t been able to feel anything in a long time? Was it because me and my mother don’t really have a great relationship? Did that really effect her ability as mother to make me feel better with just a hug? I suddenly felt very lonely. Her hug (or more me forcing a hug on her) was the one thing I knew I could go back to if everything came crushing down on me. Now, even that was gone. And I was suffocating buried by the rubble of what once used to be the only certainty I had.
  • I’ve been really fidgety lately. When  I’m reading something online, I keep left clicking with my mouse, highlighting and unhighlighting, scrolling up and down, going from one tab to the other. I’ve been buying loads of crisps and chocolate, so even if I go to the gym nothing changes. I got got a pack of tick tacks since I thought it was more a problem of chewing on something than actually being hungry, and after one hour I’ve almost finished it (edit: I finished it). And I am automatically eating more and more. Maybe the solution is bring no money with me, not even my card. That way I won’t be able to continuously eat something. And then I’ll be forced to have the apple that stays in my bag because I forget about it.
  • I just came back from the doctor. I had to tell her that I was scared of taking the antidepressants she prescribed. She said since I’m not fine right now, it’s not like taking antidepressants can be too bad for me. And if I do feel worse I can book an appointment, see her, and stop taking them. I can even just start by taking half a tablet a day. But I’m scared. My ex-housemate, I’m going to call her Martha, overdosed many times on antidepressants and eventually hanged herself (she’s still alive, I managed to call the ambulance in time. But for me it was as if she had died in my arms). I’m scared of taking antidepressants in such a delicate moment in my degree. I’m not fine now, but what if I do get worse? What if I get all the negative side effects? I never wanted to take antidepressants. People say there’s no need for antidepressants or that it took them a long time to find the right one. I’m not sure where to go, what to do. I’m lost. If I do take the antidepressants, I don’t have anyone catching me. I won’t have someone who would save me like I saved Martha. Even if I was about to hang myself, I wouldn’t scream my current housemates’ names like Martha screamed mine.
    I can’t.
  • I’ve been putting this off. I’m scared of talking about it. I can’t bring myself to do it. But it’s regarding my work. I haven’t been able to work properly for a long time. Now I’m… in trouble. I might not be able to finish it. I might not be able to finish it properly. I’m scared, I’m really really scared. As I’m writing this my eyes are getting warm. I wish crying helped. I cried once, and at the end I only felt tired. When I woke up, nothing changed. Even now, I am writing this blog post. But I felt like I needed it or I was going to explode. I wish I was like 5 years ago. Even if I was full of stress and negativity, I was still able to work and give it my all and make “miracles happen” in a short amount of time.
    Depression is my biggest enemy. If I want to be successful in the future, I need to beat my one enemy. Once this hindrance is defeated, I believe I will be able to learn and grow more and more, improving each day, achieving one successful goal after the other with time. But I’m 22 now. How much longer until I get better…? I’m losing all hope.
  • I used to be able to work through chaos and noise. Now when  I’m in the lab and the other students are talking, or even just lightly discussing about their projects and lightly laughing every now and then, I go crazy. My head hurts. And then my throat starts hurting (I somatize my stress in my throat). I wonder what changed. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to  go back to how I was before. I want my concentration back. My classmates hated it when I couldn’t be distracted even by them tapping on my shoulder. Now here I am, wishing them all mute and paralyzed. It’s bad.
  • I have… to apply for masters. And do the assignments they gave me. I’m afraid of… wasting time. Not being accepted. Rejection is a big fear I have. I’ve never been academically rejected. What if I don’t get accepted in any masters? What if I stay in the same uni I am in right now? What will my family’s reaction be? What will my reaction be?
  • I wonder if I’m forgetting anything.
  • Ah, right! Clarice said doing EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) might help. It’s a therapy that helps treat traumas. She noticed how there are so many things from the past bothering me, which is true. I tried letting go, but keep failing. I need to get rid of those triggers. I’ll give it a go.

Oh no. The noisy guys are here.
I’m out.

If you got to the end of this post, congrats! I know it must’ve been long and boring and you’re probably thinking “So what? What does this have to do with me?”.
Thank you for reading though. This blog isn’t just about me ranting and letting it all out. I want people to feel comfortable talking about themselves and give each other advice, share experiences. I want my readers to politely and respectfully be able to discuss thoughts, issues and possible solutions or anything related. Maybe eventually even feel better, even if I doubt with all this negativity that will happen with this particular post.

So, hoping there are no grammar mistakes and that my post is clear enough, I’m going to now publish it without proof-reading it!

Thank you for reading,

Khaoleido

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