Look at the colourless sky.
Listen to the silence.
Today’s the perfect day to die.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything. But this just goes to show how my life is a dramatic roller coaster stuck in a never ending loop.
I wonder if I was ever ok. Is there always something bothering me about the good memories?
That one time I was dancing and eating and laughing and talking to new people. Was I uncomfortable? Did I make a fool of myself?
That other time I met so many different animals. Did I bother my friend by taking too many pictures?
That time I went hiking and climbing on a mountain. Did I bother my friend by being a burden?
Why would anyone miss me? Are they being hypocrites?
“Normally”, if I still know what is normal to me, I would just accept these thoughts and “whatever” them. But I can’t now – I wish I was never born. I wouldn’t have to think. Wouldn’t have to move. Wouldn’t have to look. Wouldn’t have to breathe.
The next part of this post was written several days later
So, today, I finally took my first antidepressant. It’s called Sertraline, my doctor prescribed it two months ago and only today I managed to take 25mg. Not even 50mg, which is the minimum dose she initially prescribed. I took the dose a 6 year old would take. That’s how scared I am.
(To know more about why I’m scared, check my previous blog post “Clearing my mind – 01“)
Yesterday I talked with my housemates about it. I told them that I decided I will start taking the antidepressant, something of which they weren’t even aware, and might become a burden for them. I don’t want to, but I’m not sure what the side effects might be in my specific case. I might react well, I might react horribly. This uncertainty is driving me crazy.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine. You took the dose of a 6 year old.”
I feel bad for my housemate who probably didn’t even have a clue of my mental instability. The other two knew, or at least could tell something was wrong with me, but she didn’t. Obviously, I’m always acting hyper and happy. And determined. And strong. And I suddenly come out with “I’m going to take antidepressants”.
She asked me “Why?”. I wasn’t sure what to reply. Unlike with my other two housemates (let’s call them…Lara and Jess) she had no clue. I’m afraid how this might have affected her (Melanie). Or maybe I’m just being too dramatic. Maybe she’s cool with it. When I said “I don’t want to be a burden” she replied “I’m sure you’ll be fine. You took the dose of a 6 year old.”. But her face expression wasn’t smiling. It wasn’t carefree. She was frowning a little bit. I’m scared. And I’m sorry.
I think I got the final push I needed when I met my Wellbeing Adviser by chance. I had missed my counselling appointment again, as already had three times, because I got days mixed up. He saw me and since he had some free time he offered to listen to me instead. That was really nice, it was awesome. I felt bad for being a nuisance, as I always do, but it made me feel taken care of.
Anyways, we talked about many things since I’m always jumping from one topic to the other, desperately trying to take my barriers down. One of the things we talked about was the antidepressants, and just one thing he said made me feel more secure and calmer: “Ask yourself, what is the kindest thing you can do to yourself? Ask that question, and deep down you already know the answer”. Well, he was right. After all these years of Depression and Anxiety it doesn’t matter how scared I am of antidepressants, it really is the best way for me to take care of myself at this time. The best way to love myself, in a way. Though it did take me some time to do it. As I said, today was the first day. I only had 25mg, half a tablet, a 6 year old’s dose. Two months after my doctor prescribed them.
I know not to expect this eternal emotional roller coaster to be over any time soon. I know not to expect miracles. But it’s a step.
Now, the next thing to think of is… what will I do after I go back home? Even if it’s just for a couple of weeks, I know my parents won’t let me have the antidepressants. They will try stop me. I could hide them somehow, but then I won’t have a doctor regularly checking on me. I will probably have to stop taking them before I move back. Or before they come visit me for my graduation. I’ll have to set a meeting with my doctor and talk to her about it.
Now that I mentioned my graduation, it’s better if I go back to work. I have to pass… at least.
I’ll keep you updated on the Sertraline progress!
Thank you for reading,